Thursday, November 3, 2011

Power Wankings: Week 1 (#10 - 6)

There are plenty of things in professional sports that are seriously childish, stupid and dumb (and we're not even going to touch on Kobe, A-Rod, and Jamarcus Russell—way too easy). Since they tend to vary from week to week, we'll count down those wankers in our very own Power Wankings.

An example of what you won't find in the Wankings? The guy who made THIS sign.


While I would have given this spot to the USC fan that managed to blitzkrieg the College Gameday show with a frat-boy "Suck It, Luck" sign (complete with cartoonish genitalia that resembles the Gatchaman/G-Force logo), the spot has to go to the guy who made ESPN a four-letter word.

Of course, sports and penises go hand-in-hand (not literally). People have spotted it in sports discussions, and John Madden famously drew them on the Telestrater more than once. However, you have to like the seriously creative chops on this guy—who knew you could spell ESPN with "penis"? We just don't understand his fixation with Lou Holtz.


Maybe he's not a University of Southern California fan, but indeed a University of South Carolina fan. Dr. Lou did coach for the USC of the East Coast for his last gig.

GO COCKS!

The following ten things, however, were the most wank of the week. Starting at the least:

10.   The NBA lockout.


Recently, Nike hit us with a new advertisement for their sneakers and a stop-gap for the recent labor dispute between owners and players. In the commercial, spotlights randomly illuminate the current masters of the game (LeBron, Durant, Coach K), the optimistic high-schoolers, and even the recreational users. At the end, they flash a "Basketball Never Stops" slogan and hashtag the hell out of that bitch so hard that Twitter had an erection.

Unfortunately, Nike doesn't understand that basketball itself isn't on "stop"; the business aspect of the game is. High-school and collegiate athletes aren't going to stop playing the sport, but if they look at the business model and see that the end result is this mish-mash of rich athletes jetsetting to foreign locales to play "benefit games" and bench players unsure about their future in the sport, you might start to see morale drop.

In fact, the disappointing thing is that some players are paid so much already that they're not showing the concern that NFL players had this year during their lockout. Instead of going to the fans and encouraging them to voice their opinion, they'd rather lift anchor and play with whatever team wants to pay the most. Granted, there wasn't that option with the NFL, but it's showing the true colors of NBA players—it's not about the honor of the sport or the support of the fans, it's about greed.

If you want to use the "stop" reference, the NBA hasn't "stopped", but they're certainly not on "play". It's like the needle is stuck in a scratched groove; it's going to need to be picked up and placed down to restart it, or else you're going to do permanent damage to the product. (Okay, I just aged myself with a vinyl record reference.)

9.   Disillusioned Andrew Luck fans.


Indianapolis Colts fans, you're not guaranteed to get the next Peyton Manning, so let's try not to jump the gun by putting your eggs in the Andrew Luck basket.

Seeing pictures of optimistic fans like these should be heartwarming to the franchise, but a ton of dominoes need to fall before Andrew Luck magically falls into their laps. I still see Indy winning games against Jacksonville, and they still have five games left at home. Let's also not forget that Miami and Arizona are also in the hunt and could use a prized quarterback more than Indy could.

Even if Indy was to get the top pick, there's no guarantee that Andrew Luck will become an Aaron Rodgers. Before there was Peyton Manning, there was Jeff George, who was shipped out of the Hoosier State after four tumultuous years. Before George there was another George (Shaw), who broke his leg a year after being drafted at the #1 spot by the Baltimore Colts in 1955. Both were replaced by quarterbacks who led the Colts to playoff success (Jim Harbaugh and Johnny Unitas, respectively).

Now we may be overlooking that other good Stanford QB that the Baltimore Colts drafted at #1 in 1983 (John Elway), but he was carted off to Denver when he threatened to leave football to play baseball. I'm just saying that Indy fans shouldn't jump the gun—who is to say Luck won't demand the same if Manning's injury isn't career-threatening?

8.   That "incredible" PK Subban / Brad Marchand fight.


P.K. Subban can't fight, let alone fight someone two hands shorter than him. He can flop and hide like the best of 'em, but there's a reason he "lost" three of the four fights he was in last year, according to hockeyfights.com. If we were to analyze the fight between him and Marchand on October 27th, you'd get the following reasons why this fight was LAME:
  •  The preparation: guys, you were in the penalty box twice for trying to fight with each other previously. How were you not ready to drop gloves right away? Maybe it's for dramatics, but while Marchand's gloves were off pretty easily, Subban was flopping around in his sleeves as if he was Houdini struggling to get out of a straitjacket. Gotta be ready at the drop of a hat, boys.
  • The dipping and diving: Subban jukes and jives like a prize fighter, but there's a reason boxing isn't done on skates. Wild haymaker results in nothing but air TWICE, once with the Hab kissing ice. Yeah, probably because Honey Badger is shorter than your mother, but obviously the fighting styles don't match up enough for these guys to get into a proper fight.
  • The surrender: after a bunch of jersey-pulling, Subban rolls his eyes and gives up. So much for the sizzle, but the steak in this fight was damned raw.

In short, long fights are nice, but P.K. Subban fights like Karl Malone wrestles. 

7.   The "Discount Double Check" State Farm couple.


Nice to see Aaron Rodgers get a personality on TV, especially with all the Favre comparisons, but has there ever been a TV couple you've wanted to get a roughing-the-passer 15-yard penalty against such as the one on the "Discount Double Check" State Farm commercial?

It's funny on paper, but seriously, if I was the MVP of the last Super Bowl, whether it be at an insurance office, a restaurant, or a church, I would be known by EVERYONE in Green Bay. To have these two mock Rodgers for being a "dancer" is a serious crime against the sport. I suppose I'd be able to handle the commercial better if it didn't have the guy make such a pussy-face doing so.


Can we call in Clay Matthews to blow this play up?

6.   Kris Jenkins, The Unfunny Comic. 


A little advice to #77 and other ex-footballer talking heads: leave the comedy to the comedians. (Yes, Frank Caliendo still counts as a comedian.) Didn't you learn anything from Michael Strahan's horrible sitcom Brothers?

It was rather cute to parade kids in costume into the studio (don't you non-pedophiles just wanna take mini-Dan-Marino home with you?), but it wasn't cute to hear Jenkins crack candy-corny jokes about the NFL. Two Super Bowl ring jokes involving the Patriots in the span of thirty seconds. A fat joke involving Andy Reid while Rex Ryan is decidedly small. Tim Tebow and Tony Romo "4th Quarter" jokes that really don't fit after the throttling both got. The obligatory swipe at Lebron James and the NBA lockout (that's my schtick!)

Jenkins even complains about being called fat, but says the word "candy" eight times during the skit. Did I stumble upon Garfield's Halloween Adventure?

Ah, the skit. Let's harp on that car-crash-in-slow-motion. Most importantly, let's cover the fact that the skit was two minutes longer than the Frank Caliendo comedy bit for the NFL on FOX (which was also immensely painful to watch). Instead of letting the editing team smooth out the wrinkles and trim the fat, they let it run like a live show. A little more film on the editing floor and a few unnecessary jokes left out, and this could have been a good skit.

What am I saying?! This was a hammy attempt to copy everything David Letterman has done for the past dozen Halloweens! (As if Dave's stuff wasn't hammy enough.) I hope this bomb makes CBS realize that their stuff is a thousand times better than FOX in the first place without needing to pull for lame comedy. At least NBC wouldn't do this sort of...


Oh, FUCK it. Let's just cancel Halloween next year.

Next time: Power Wankings #5 - 1!

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