An example of what you won't find in the Wankings? Nickelback.
Whoa, whoa. Before you jump on me and blame me for betraying alternative music and supporting the audio equivalent of , they're not in the Wankings because no one wants them anywhere. Not even Detroit. According to this petition found on change.org, some Lions fans are trying to do exactly what each and every sports fan wants:
This game is nationally televised, do we really want the rest of the US to associate Detroit with Nickelback? Detroit is home to so many great musicians and they chose Nickelback?!?!?! Does anyone even like Nickelback? Is this some sort of ploy to get people to leave their seats during halftime to spend money on alcoholic beverages and concessions? This is completely unfair to those of us who purchased tickets to the game. At least the people watching at home can mute their TVs. The Lions ought to think about their fans before choosing such an awful band to play at halftime.So far, the petition has 3,046 signatures. C'mon, NFL fans. Do you want a crummy Vancouver band plugging their latest crummy CD in front of a fanbase that has finally dragged itself out of crumminess? Sign the petition, and let's make sure that the NFL finds non-douches for halftime shows.
Heck, I'd pay Ndamukong Suh's fine if he were to accidentally mistake Chad Kroeger for John Kuhn.
The following ten things, however, were the most wank of the week. Continuing at #5:
5. Tebowing.
This is just...stupid.
"Tebowing", for those who don't know, is the act of "get(ting) down on a knee and...praying, even if everyone else around you is doing something completely different". This all comes from Tim Tebow's Week 7 come-back performance against Miami, when he fell to one knee after scoring a decisive TD. Apparently, either through mimicry or mockery, the action caught on like wildfire with fans and non-fans of the Christian QB.
Considering I loves me some Internet memes, I should be all over the concept of Tebowing, but I never liked planking, owling, flash-mobbing or any other physical form of fads established over the Internet. I'm cool with LOLcats, troll-faces and mockery of the movie Downfall, but I can't get over photo-based memes. It gives me this sense that people are trying to be lemmings about the "fad", attempting to be the only person known for "Tebowing at the top of Mt. Everest" or "Tebowing before a wedding".
It reminds me too much of that "Sightings" section in The Improper Bostonian magazine. People would pose before different landmarks with their copy of the free bimonthly publication and send their picture into the magazine, all in hopes they could orgasm over having their picture in The Improper Bostonian.
Considering some players on the Detroit Lions mocked Tebow with their own "Tebows" during their shellacking of the Broncos in Week 8, some articles have addressed the question of whether it's meant to be a mockery of Tebow's religion or not. Please. We've all seen players attempt to get in the heads of opponents by mocking their moves. This is just mockery of the move and, in all likelihood, the fact that Tebow just isn't ready as a starter.
The move is getting too much attention, just like...
4. Tebow fans.
...Tebow himself.
Look, he's not ready for the big time, and we saw that in Week 8's 45-10 slaughter against Detroit. He got lucky in the last quarter of Week 7's win, but before that, he played more like Kyle Orton than Kyle Orton himself. There's just something wrong about his delivery when he's up against a defense-heavy team, and his form needs straightening out when it comes to passes.
The stats verify that he's not replacing Orton with better numbers. Of all the quarterbacks going into Week 9 as the starter, only Blaine Gabbert (45.7) and Carson Palmer (38.1) have worst completion percentages than Tebow (46.1), and his passer rating is actually lower than Orton's by a few percentage points (75.1 to 75.7). While he can scramble for yards, Tebow has been sacked 13 times versus Orton's nine.
So why use Tebow? Frankly, he's not much an improvement over Orton, and considering the outcry from fans in the preseason to start him, it would appear that head coach John Fox might have been correct to bench him. The only explanation that sounds right is that there was just so much pressure from fans to start Tebow that it couldn't be ignored. Apparently, his cleats were blessed by God himself, if you were to listen to some of his devout fans, but experts in both football and fantasy football are telling Denver to shelf him.
Some columnists are even pointing out that the fans got them into this mess, and I tend to agree. Coaches should have the say in whether to pull the plug on an experiment based on the most recent performances, not on what they've done during their collegiate career or off the professional field. Tebow may be a saint to some, but he's not ready for prime time. If Denver ends up last in their division, the fans who favored him for his beliefs instead of his raw talent will be to blame.
Hey, at least he's not...
3. ...Raffi Torres.
What were you thinking, Raffi?
There are easier ways, as an NHL player, to draw national attention. Cheat on your wife with a supermodel. Demand a trade or a bigger contract. Go all WWE and blindside Alexander Ovechkin with a stick to the head. The last thing that you needed to do is agree to go blackface for a Lay-Z costume.
I'll agree with Harrison Mooney in saying that this costume isn't racist, but is more of the "racially-insensitive" sort. In fact, I'll go a step further by saying that Torres could have nixed the idea by suggesting that he and his pregnant wife (who I am guessing by the picture also isn't African-American) go as something else. Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan. A cook and his "bun in the oven". Plenty of good ideas out there.
Whatever you do, don't go as...
2. ...a lazy Red Sox costumer.
I've seen costumes for people who basically rummaged through their bureau and tossed on a Red Sox T-shirt and a ball cap. They probably weren't looking to go to any Halloween costume balls in the near future, so that I can live with. However, if you toss on a Red Sox T-shirt and a ball cap, stuff a pillow under the shirt, and go out with a bucket of KFC, you're THE LAZIEST HALLOWEENER EVER.
The same goes for Woody Paige from Around The Horn. I admit I'm guilty for beating the dead horse with one of my posts, but the Sox jersey, the hat, the sleeves from a sumo wrestler costume, the props...this is a last-second costume devoid of any thought or interest in the holiday. I'm pretty damned sure that Woody himself didn't come up with the idea—he looks like he'd rather go as a loud-mouthed "expert" from Denver.
Well, he can certainly save money on that costume.
1. Team Humpdashian.
Or should we refer to them as "Team Hump-and-Dash-ian"?
The complete definition of wankery goes to the fragile love-bridge formed by reality "show-cialite" Kim Kardashian and NBA free-agent Kris Humphries. The marriage was hard to explain, but the quick divorce after 72 days was easy to predict. I haven't been following the marriage, personally, but judging by the length of time between wedding and divorce, I don't think you needed to follow it for long to become an expert.
There was no doubt this would end in a divorce, but the sheer quickness of it all have some sources wondering if it was a "hoax" and a "sham to make money". Well, that's awfully astute of all you journalists. We all saw this coming without even looking at the details, but you were too busy treating the wedding as a big deal.
The amazing part of this entire scam-wow is that it has fueled the fire for advocates of gay marriage. If a heterosexual agreement like this ends in such a messy manner, where's the "sanctity" that gay-marriage prohibitionists speak of? It may be one messy divorce amongst many successful ones, but the ammo is still there.
Okay, so this didn't turn out to be as sports-related as it seemed, but Lamar Odom better watch out. Just saying.
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